So, there I was, freshly swiped and slightly caffeinated, ready to embark on what my eHarmony profile assured me would be a “life-altering connection.” I’ll call him Dave (because why not?). We met at this hipster coffee shop in Brooklyn, which I was pretty convinced only existed to house artisanal avocado toast and overly detailed explanations of the pour-over process. I strutted in, feeling cute in my best “I’m opening up to love” outfit, only to find Dave wearing a T-shirt that read, “Caffeine makes me less murdery,” which just screamed romantic, right? The conversation started off as a delightful banter about our favorite sitcoms and the existential dread that comes with adulthood. Just when I thought it was going swimmingly, Dave pulled an unexpected twist from his backpack—four taxidermy squirrels, each meticulously dressed in tiny costumes. Yep, you read that right. He introduced them as “the squad,” and I barely choked on a sip of my overpriced almond milk latte as he explained how he’d saved them from the jaws of life after they, you know, took their last leap of faith. One of them was decorated as a pirate, while another donned a tutu. I was both horrified and strangely impressed. “Check out their backstories!” he said, beaming. “This one—Captain Nutters—was a notorious sea rodent who terrorized the neighborhood. And this one