So, I matched with this girl on Tinder named Jess—super cute, adventurous spirit, and her bio was full of puns about pizza. I thought, "This is my soulmate!" But we were still on that awkward small talk stage, you know, where you’re trying to fit in your best material before they realize you’re just a weird human who collects vintage rubber ducks. Things were going smoothly; we texted about cheesy movies, our mutual love for late-night pizza delivery, and how we both secretly believe that squirrels are plotting against us. Then, right when I was about to drop my best dad joke about pizza (which is essentially just, "What type of person doesn’t like pizza? A weirdo!"), she texted something that knocked the wind out of my metaphorical sail. She said, “Oh, by the way, I have a pet tarantula named Mr. Snuggles. He’s 8 years old and really sweet—he’ll probably crawl on your face if you come over!” My heart stopped. First of all, any creature that is described as “sweet” and “crawling on your face” in the same sentence is already winning the award for most confusing pet of the year. I pictured this eight-legged creature, bold and fuzzy, auditioning for a role in a horror movie while I’m there like, “Hey, Mr. Snuggles! Aren’t we just the best of buddies now?” Suddenly